My
heart burns
I really hate myself... The life i am living isn’t mine, i feel like i took a step aside and let
everything i like pass me by. I need quality time with the people i love but
what i love they don’t care for... Every time i plan something, everything
that's more important seem to come up and mine isn't given a 2nd thought. I
feel caged. So intensely caged i am loosing my heart, my soul. I cry now more
than before, because i settle.
When i love i give all and i wish one would
just give me a treat once in a while to make me feel special. I wish we could
do something from my list of fun things once in a while. But when i speak its
directly archived. It will be done later, i come later. It's been 9 months since
we did something i liked which was walking to Njoro and back. I keep saying
what i like but it is for later. I need romance. I need to have happy waves in
my relationship. Like get a gift very now and then, get taken somewhere every
now and then, romantic acts in the house... And maybe once in a while do
something from the long list of stuff that i said i would like to do over and
over. I voice out everything i need but it’s almost never heard. I have to
almost breakdown to be taken seriously.
Why should one wait for me to hurt and
suffer to do something? Maybe, i do come after everything else. Maybe i am not
allowed to have emotions that's why everybody gets angry at me when i feel low
or need them. And so i hide all that hurts me and become so depressed... And
then it’s my fault that i am low and messing up everybody’s' mood. So i keep
quiet even when i need help the most, even when i hurt so badly, even when i
with my closest. Because i know he has something more important to do than talk
to me or please me in other ways than physical or just make me feel like a
queen. I am not feeling that right now.
I feel like a help, like a house help or
something. Like i do, i help, i solve, i fight, i lift, i scrub, i answer...
But i shouldn't expect the same. Maybe i shouldn't get to the level that i
give. I wish i was a queen to one. And if i am already, i wish that one would
just show it, act like it and not expect me to just know automatically because
i don't know it and i don't feel it at all. I wish for mine to know me, and act
as if they know me. I don't need to be treated like a stranger till i breakdown
and then be all there when i am crushed on the floor. Picking me up because
they know how to. Why not save me before i hurt? If one knows me, they actually
know me, i don’t see why they can't avoid
stuff that cause me pain if they truly love me. Whole dance of pushing
me down then picking me up will someday not work. One can be unable to pick me
from the depth that i will have sunk, or maybe i will have had enough. I wish i
was a queen and not a dusty pillar at the entrance of a handsome mansion. I
wish i didn't come last almost always. Once in a while, let me come 1st, maybe
on that romantic day or that dark night of the heart. Just to keep my 'happy
heart' beating. I honestly have the least known amount of fuel for happiness.
If one knows me well, one will know i struggle hourly to actually feel happy
and make it last.
I wish one wouldn't think i am on a 'high
hoarse' because the truth is that i am dying inside. I am still messed up and broken
and completely damaged inside. I try to heal but i am way better at hiding it
professionally and the one to help me stopped. Got other things that are more
important and thinks i am a proud bitch looking down at everyone on my high
horse. How am i supposed to be open if when i express how i feel this is the feedback.
While i, myself i am so depressed and i have to wake up every morning telling
myself that i will be okay, cooing and soothing myself the whole day through,
just to feel like i should fall into the darkness and just fade away at night.
How could i look down on others when i am sunk deep beneath the ground? But yet
one, never notices. Why? I had once taken a significant healing step off my
past and could talk and somewhat express how i felt verbally and timely, yet,
now i have reverted to my younger self from my past where i can’t say how i
feel. My closest shut me down when i try, or, just doesn't listen, or, hears me
just so that i can shut up, or, listens to me and forgets as soon as anything,
literally anything else comes to mind. One lives on as if i never said a word
to begin with. At the same time it’s as if my non-verbal clues all go dead. Is
it that one doesn't know me? Can't read me? Doesn’t care about what he sees? I
just feel like 'that other person' whose life and feelings aren't that
important. That have never been important.
******
