Despair

What more is there to be mislaid?
i lie on the bed, thinking , pondering
How much can a guileless heart bear?
How much has it borne?
An adour of hope Like a cold sun on Pluto
Far and seemingly inadequate.
Carl up in the corner, Tears laced in silver blood
Echo the pains unfold In a tantalizing vacuum.
Thus I hear them, souls of the so righteous.
‘Wretched demon!’ ‘Cursed whore!’
‘Blemished witch!’ ‘Flawed bitch’
Brassier and brassier, reaping at my soul.
Stabbing away with flesh daggers,
Bounding, gashing, stomping, and condemning a mortal soul.
Pain as actual as my fast breath.
My  voice muzzled by loud tears.
Vision blinded by the lucid depictions
The moment presents herself, temptation,
Most cruel maiden.
Stop it! The voices, the stares, the words…
Stop them all.
Sweet unkind maiden, why come to me now?
Her knife twisted through me lungs.
‘Give me your hand, let me stop this for you.’
Looks down on me with but pity in her eyes.
I kiss her feet, my head bent to her. Take both.
How much can they carry anyway? Unburden me my  dear.
Tears fall again, light so bright, sounds so projected.
Like silver blades through my skin.
‘Wretched child’ ‘Curse bustard’
‘Blemished soul’ ‘Flawed fool’
Sting so agonizing.
Reasons and causes fill my mind.
Damn this harsh life! Damn this spitted breath!
Help me now. Don’t delay a second longer.
She lifts me up, eyes absorbing the little life left.
‘You are not mine to take.’
The words screamed in my mind.
Rotating everything in the loud vacuum.

Submerged in the blood in my tears.
Save me! Save me! Heart throbs, muscles tauten.
It fills my lungs. ‘you wanted peace? Have it’
I scuffle to swim to the air. They are pulling.
I stop to look at the sky from beneath,
And there they were waving, tickled.
Their images blur and blur and blur and vanish.
They are no longer pulling.
I feel naught. Numb. Dead.
With a beating heart and air in my chest,
But dead all the same.
This is better.
A departed soul is much better.

Lone-Less Icy Night

 She came to me one night, held me tight and close.
‘Calm yourself,’ she whispered caressing me so tenderly.
You see, her skin was warm, arm wrapped round my waist,
Against my cold cracked scales, but still holding so tightly.
I quivered from my nightly nightmares, bed rocking
As the obscurity around us whirls all so viciously.
Faster and faster it whirls as we levitate and gravitate
Into an endless vacuum of screams from my past all so quietly
Loud. Shrieking so forcefully tearing apart the eardrums in my heart.
Wrenching at my mind, clawing and digging so insanely
That the pain fades into a background on nothingness…
But pictures. Pictures of those I loved and cared for so deeply.
Pictures. Images of them closest to my heart so morbidly beautiful.
Light up their torches and put to flame the wood under me so romantically
Confusing me, my pride…my life blazed electrolyzing me.
Is this the meaning of agony and pleasure, engaged so ironically?
 That dreams of my death are the greatest I’ve ever had?
I toss and turn in my horrific slumber mumbling so innocently
Of my fears and terrors. Still she holds me closer…so warm, so calm.
And I hear voices speaking to me, calling my name so ghostly,
Reaching out to me in the solid darkness of the cage I stand in.
Incapable of moving my feet though the air massed so heavily
And the weight of my knowing crashes down on my skull, compressing
What's left of my sanity into a stew of passions so radically
Pooled that I don’t know where I’m headed.
So I reach out to the ropes of destiny and fate so desperately
Trusting that nature, life and time will rescue me, pull me out of this
Quicksand soaking up my lungs so mercilessly.
I grab the wind that is past legends of predetermination
But they dissolve in the illicit rage that is me so heartlessly.
I sink deeper and deeper into the the floor. My feet dangling
Through the ceiling of the unknown depth. So mystically
Trapped between dimensions of time and personalities.
Unable to live as one thus multiple people in me strive so weakly
To live in a moment of torment in time that seems frozen.
Now how can I last? So totally
Jaded an I look at the skies bleeding onto me, and the moon red
As the eclipse of my life goes on and on so intensively.
They say the sky is the limit, well my skies are coming down on me.
I shout for someone to pull me from their path in my sleep so quickly
But she holds me cradled up in her arms. My chick lies lightly of her breasts,
And her perfume, it lights me up so sweetly.
I’m trodden on the floor, lungs crushed and bones broken,
Crying, “Why? Oh Why…?” so bitterly.
And they float on by, fluid unfrizzled flow…
Laughing and giggling so cliquishly.
Poking at my bruises highly curved sticks, for such a bustard,
They wouldn’t spoil their scent, wouldn’t get close so carelessly.
And with their stick my lifeless body is rolled into it, my home.
My place of pleasure, under the dusty tombstone mounted so roughly.
I fall in a pit-less grave for one so forsaken…and I fall…and I fall.
I fall through the intricate conundrum of unspoken lives so secretly
Hidden from the world.
Though the painful enigmas unseen tortures of those so grotesquely
Living. I fall… fall… fall… fall… fall…
Though the scars created in the dungeons the mind and heart so clandestinely.
And I am horrified!
And my heartbeat doubles so abruptly!
And I can’t breathe!
And I clutch on a straw so desperately!
Thrusting and kicking it all away from me!
It hurts! It blisters so excruciatingly!

Yet she holds me tight,
Rocking me to a tune she hums so lowly.
Aye… it is her.
The one who comforts me so truthfully.
But who is she? Who are you?

Pain

This here is just a slight explanation why and how i find my world more comforting than all those happy and childishly colorful places. it wasn't really thought through, so i might make some changes on it over time.
tell me what you think.


I heard this song, sang in the depth of the drunkards pit
It said, “Capitulate your soul to your pain.
Breathe in every morbid stench that clouds your eyes,
In this brutal storm of wants.”
For some reason that song was composed for me
Sang for me… recorded for my spirit’s ears.
I reminisce about it in the noon of day
The sun cries above me red rays that pierce through life
Through the colors that light up my world
Through the very core of what I find pretty.
Canceling out the beauty of the dark.
Canceling out any perception of beauty.
I trip and sink into a pool of scaring whiteness
White light! White noise! White odor! White squeeze! White essence!
And it swallows all but nothing
It leaves behind nothing other than heavy emptiness.
And I thus retreat to my sub conscious and I am lost
Lost in my sanctuary, can’t find my heaven
Floating away in this torturous white madness
I drift into the depth of the vacuum and I find nothing
No passion, perception… like I, nothing, died.
Yet I want. I want to get away from these rays.
So I whip it away!
I gash away at it!
The red splashes utter beauty onto the white
Warming my soul as it should…
I rip and cut though it like butter!
The sweet pain sneaks from a distance…
If only it could rash and take over me,
Run at me like an injured tiger,
Tear and devour me whole. How I wish.
With every slit comes orgasmic joy
At the regenerated perception and sense.
Adrenaline convulses me violently as I reach a high,
A climax! When all my sense are beeping at max
Body jacked and shocked out of the whiteness.
I pant decreasingly as I come back to my veracity,
Back to my world of unlit beauty and life.
Into my sweet dark realm, comfort at last!
I sigh.
Trying not to remember about the dreaded light,
My sight falls upon my wounded skin with pride.
Flesh exposed tells the heroic deliverance from the white.
And yes…My pain keeps me grounded, unshaken.
‘cause I rather feel pain than nothing at all.
It acts as a constant reminder of my truth.
‘cause it does exist, only not in the light,
Not in that canopy of hypocrisy! Pah!
‘m a creature of raw emotions and dark passions
I will get what I want through the secret that is eternal
A hidden marvel most don’t explore.
My beloved secret wonder is what it is.
Pain.