Pain

This here is just a slight explanation why and how i find my world more comforting than all those happy and childishly colorful places. it wasn't really thought through, so i might make some changes on it over time.
tell me what you think.


I heard this song, sang in the depth of the drunkards pit
It said, “Capitulate your soul to your pain.
Breathe in every morbid stench that clouds your eyes,
In this brutal storm of wants.”
For some reason that song was composed for me
Sang for me… recorded for my spirit’s ears.
I reminisce about it in the noon of day
The sun cries above me red rays that pierce through life
Through the colors that light up my world
Through the very core of what I find pretty.
Canceling out the beauty of the dark.
Canceling out any perception of beauty.
I trip and sink into a pool of scaring whiteness
White light! White noise! White odor! White squeeze! White essence!
And it swallows all but nothing
It leaves behind nothing other than heavy emptiness.
And I thus retreat to my sub conscious and I am lost
Lost in my sanctuary, can’t find my heaven
Floating away in this torturous white madness
I drift into the depth of the vacuum and I find nothing
No passion, perception… like I, nothing, died.
Yet I want. I want to get away from these rays.
So I whip it away!
I gash away at it!
The red splashes utter beauty onto the white
Warming my soul as it should…
I rip and cut though it like butter!
The sweet pain sneaks from a distance…
If only it could rash and take over me,
Run at me like an injured tiger,
Tear and devour me whole. How I wish.
With every slit comes orgasmic joy
At the regenerated perception and sense.
Adrenaline convulses me violently as I reach a high,
A climax! When all my sense are beeping at max
Body jacked and shocked out of the whiteness.
I pant decreasingly as I come back to my veracity,
Back to my world of unlit beauty and life.
Into my sweet dark realm, comfort at last!
I sigh.
Trying not to remember about the dreaded light,
My sight falls upon my wounded skin with pride.
Flesh exposed tells the heroic deliverance from the white.
And yes…My pain keeps me grounded, unshaken.
‘cause I rather feel pain than nothing at all.
It acts as a constant reminder of my truth.
‘cause it does exist, only not in the light,
Not in that canopy of hypocrisy! Pah!
‘m a creature of raw emotions and dark passions
I will get what I want through the secret that is eternal
A hidden marvel most don’t explore.
My beloved secret wonder is what it is.
Pain.